In Which Katie Learns How To Jump Start Her Car

Gimme A Break

So, Harry has been in school non-stop for almost a year and a half now. He's thinking about taking the Summer off this time. I think it's a good idea. Mainly because this was the series of texts I received from him within the course of an hour:

Math is poopie!

Math is stinky!

Math is not so much fun :(

And THEN, after that, I received these in an email:

Apparently he decided this information was more vital than actually doing his Math work. Yeah, I think a break is a good idea...

Christmas Shenanigans

Yes, I realize it's been nearly 8 weeks since Christmas but I'm still playing catch up* so this is our post-Christmas wrap up.

I should start off by explaining exactly how excited we get about Christmas. I love it. It's my favorite holiday. Every year I make Harry drag out all our tree decorations (for our fake tree - we go back and forth every year about having a real tree and I always lose. Always. Yes, feel sorry for me), including our super awesome amazing bubble lights. Don't know what bubble lights are? They're only the best kinds of lights EVER. They are candle-shaped lights filled with a colorful liquid that starts to bubble when they are turned on. They are pure magic. Those lights are in addition to our regular lights, which will blink and change colors. And then we have green & silver beads that go all over the tree. Then we add our ornaments over that. We always put our Godzilla and sumo wrestler (yes, you read that right. We are THAT awesome) ornaments in prime viewing spots, for obvious reasons. And on the very top is Santa, dressed all old timey and velvety. Basically, it's the best tree ever.

However, every year after Thanksgiving Harry starts involuntarily twitching. The closer it progresses to Tree Decorating Day the more he twitches. His obssession with symetry means that it pretty much takes all day for him the decorate the tree (what, you thought I did it? Do you not know me at all by now??), because not only do the regular lights have to be perfectly aligned, the bubble lights also need to be placed exactly 90 degrees on each tree branch for optimal bubbling capacity. And the beads "have to" be evenly spaced between branches. Othwerwise apparently the world as we know it will end. So, as you can imagine, it's a long process.

Anyway, last Christmas we decided that we should make a fun game for the kids Christmas morning. We decided to make a scavenger hunt for their gifts. So we hid all their presents and Harry made different puzzles (cross words, word finds, sudoku, etc.) for them to solve in order to get their clue and then find their gifts. Hilarity ensued and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. The kids seemed to have fun too (although at one point Katie did say "Why do I have to do Math on Christmas??") and it was another successful Christmas.

This year we figured why not do it again? Only this time we'll make it even MORE challenging, because what kid doesn't want to wake up Christmas morning and spend it searching all over the house for their presents? See what great parents we are? So Harry really kicked up and went all out. He made "spy kits" for the kids and inside they had all kinds of devices (also hand made) that would help in their "mission" to "find" Christmas. It came complete with mission (if they chose to accept it) instructions, as well as background information on the "bad" guy - the notorious Global Reindeer Intimidators and Notable Christmas Haters (G.R.I.N.C.H) and things like a Caesars cipher, QR codes, a cryptex and more! He packed it all inside a box he customized specifically to fit all the decoders and even included a "handy dandy notebook" complete with pen & pencil set. It was pretty amazing.

The most sinister puzzle of them all. A Paper-Craft Cryptex!

(There were no hints on the code required to open it)

Christmas morning Harry and I woke up extra early (okay, I woke up extra early and promptly woke Harry) and waited patiently (meaning I didn't bang on their doors yelling "It's CHRISTMAS! WAKE UP!!" like I did the year before) for the kids to wake up so they could walk into our family room to see nothing but one simple box underneath the Christmas tree. We thought we were being so clever. They'd be so disappointed! They'd wonder what happened! What a funny joke when they opened up the box to discover they'd have to search for their gifts! That's what I had imagined, at any rate.

In reality, they walked into the family room, saw their box, looked at each other and then with a sigh said, "Oh. We're doing this again?" But once they opened up their spy kit, they were laughing and having fun trying to decipher all the codes and run around the house looking for their gifts. It took the better part of two hours. And when it was over, they had a great time. Katie even said it was the best Christmas ever!

You should also know that our kids, being a product of us, are into this kind of twisted holiday celebration. We don't necessarily recommend this "Let's Have Fun AND Learn!" holiday approach for everyone's kids. It has the high liklihood of going terribly wrong and then you end up with nothing but crying and future therapy bills. Also, "G.R.I.N.C.H." is ours. If you use it without our permission we will find you and do unpleasant things to you. Consider yourselves warned.
...unless, of course, a little cash were to be slipped our way...

I can't wait until next year. We're already plotting bigger & better ways to slowly drive our children crazy on Christmas morning. Yes, we are expecting our Parents of the Year award any day now.

Harry's Code #1:
A gift is only as good as the amount of work you put into it...both as the giver and the reciever.

*As of this post, our tree is still up. Partly due to the incredible chore it is to remove all the crap off the tree and store it and partly because I would seriously keep the tree up all year long if I didn't think it would burn out my precious bubble lights. Recently Katie turned the tree on again in a sutble attempt to remind us to put the tree away but all it did was make me smile and stare at the tree for the better part of an hour admiring its beauty. Maybe by the time Easter rolls around we'll have it put away. Either that or it will just become the Easter Tree. Ooooh I just got a great idea...

Apology

Dear Loyal Followers (all 15 of you!!),

Sorry we haven't been consistent with our blog posts - life has been getting in the way. We should have another blog up and running soon. As always, we'll pester you all to read it!

Happy Christmakwanzukkah!!

Hello and holiday greetings to all of you! This year we’re doing things a bit differently (*cough* we’re lazy *cough*) and using technology to deliver our exciting and (we assume) greatly anticipated yearly update. Not only do you actually get this before Christmas, but it also reaches a wider audience (13 followers at last count!) – it’s a Christmas miracle! Plus, as an added bonus, all new fancy & holiday-colored font! I was going to change my font to green to get in the spirit, but it is impossible to read. Plus I am violently opposed to change.

Lots and lots of exciting things have happened this year. Like this blog! This has been a great bonding experience for Harry & Seoul. They find it has really improved their communication skills and appreciation for each other's...quirks...

Katie is now officially allowed to drive without adult supervision. Word of this must have gotten out because the roads don't seem to be nearly as congested when she's driving. She also had her first date. Harry drove Katie and her date to the movie theatre, and dropped him off at his house when the movie was over. For some reason, there was never a second date. This may or may not have had something to do with some unspoken words exchanged between Harry and Katie's date. And Katie telling all her friends "My daddy will kill anyone that tries to go out with me. He’s a ninja," probably didn't help matters either.

Katie has also decided to switch career paths. She recently started taking sign language (as has Harry), and has become incredibly proficient at it. She's now set her sights on attending Gallaudet University so she can be a sign language interpreter. She practices every day with Harry, so by default Harry is also becoming proficient at signing. She's been doing very well in school, and has added honors classes to her schedule. Seoul is thankful for this continued interest in school, and is glad Katie has decided to focus on grades instead of boys. However, some things never change - Katie still dresses “hobo chic” (which means she has not paid for a piece of clothing for 2 years. She relys on donations of clothing from Seoul's derby frinds that are too "crazy" for them to wear, and, apparently, things she finds in the gutter outside our house.) and it appears that she started a new fashion trend at her school. We are expecting thank you notes from other parents for the sudden decrease in clothing expenses this has caused. 

The Boy is currently between girlfriends (Seoul is very content with this), but is still growing. And eating everything in sight. He is still in advanced honors classes (Math being his specialty - he is receiving high school credit for it) and honor roll, and has decided he wants to attend MIT to study something called Mechatronics, which, as far as Seoul can tell, is a fancy word meaning "robot stuff." Apparently when The Boy is an adult he'll be building robots a la Isaac Asimov, but hopefully without the whole take-over-the-human-race part.

Along with being a future robot-builder (and world dominator), Boy is working on earning his Shodan (adult) black belt. This involves having to break cinder blocks with his hands and feet. He has been informed that he can only practice this with actual cinder blocks, and not with any household items. Including his sister (and the dog). 

Harry has finished his first year back in school, and was on the Dean's List the entire year, with straight As, except for one pesky B (F*cking math class!). He is not happy about this, and is considering retaking the class in order to change his permanent grade to an A. Seoul has reminded him that this is what the term "Type A Personality" means.

He is still teaching karate and is working toward earning his 3rd degree black belt. Harry had to spar people above his rank and half his age in order to earn his 2nd degree, so one can only assume to acquire this next level he'll have to save a bus full orphans from careening off a cliff while simultaneously sparring the entire karate class. Seoul suggested after he receives his 3rd degree belt that he registers his hands as lethal weapons, to which Katie enthusiastically agreed – she wants bragging rights to tell her friends that her daddy is a registered weapon. Apparently it hasn’t occurred to her that this type of information may be the reason for the lack of subsequent date requests.

Seoul is commuting from faraway lands in order to continue earning that elusive, yet necessary thing called "money" and now co-habitates part time with Harry's parents. They live far off the beaten path, surrounded by Nature, so you can imagine how well she's acclimating to her new environment.

Peacfully resting at my parents house.

All in all this has been a very productive, hectic and crazy year (some things never change), but healthy and happy, so there is really no room to complain. We hope that your holidays are spent with the ones you love, and that all visiting relatives, friends and companions stay only long enough to be enjoyed! Wishing you all a very happy holiday and a great start to a new year!

Bugs, Death and Revenge: A True Story

As you probably already know, I have a rather tenuous relationship with Nature. Therefore, I avoid being out in it as much as possible. But it just can't be avoided. After all, I do have to leave the house. Recently I had to take Katie to the doctor because she was sick with some kind of plague (that she promptly shared with me, but that's a story for another day), and when I pulled into our driveway and parked the car, Katie opened the door and said, "Uh, Mom? WHAT IS THAT???"

She pointed to what I can only describe as some kind of prehsitoric-looking insect that was roughly the size of my face. Okay, maybe not that big. But it was at least as big as my pinky finger. And wearing armor. No, I'm not making it up. It looked like a bug-shaped stegosaurus. Only evil. And it was in my car, on the door handle. We had been driving around with that Evil Death-Bug for God only knows how long. And Katie almost touched it.

I should point out that Katie is an animal-loving, tree-hugging, I-don't-wear-leather-or-eat-anything-with-a-face vegetarian. She thinks things like scorpions and tarantulas are "cute." She once started crying when watching an episode of Dirty Jobs because they were scraping barnacles off a ship and she was convinced they felt pain and they were being hurt. I'm explaining this so you will understand the full extent of the evilness of this bug. Even Katie thought it was bad.

Okay, I admit, I may be underplaying the bug a bit...

This is what it looked like:

So after immediately vacating our vehicle (Katie climbed over the stick shift of the car and scrambled out the driver's side, she was so afraid to be near Evil Death-Bug), we stood outside on the driveway shrieking "Omg, what do we DO?!" for a good 2 minutes while we stared at the door and watched Death-Bug crawl around. I may have started crying at some point. Then, suddenly, Evil Death-Bug lost its grip on the car door - I'm sure one of its venomous (YES, IT IS. I Googled it*) Claw Legs of Death slipped - and fell to the ground, right behind the wheel of the car.

I looked at Katie and said, "I'm sorry, I know you like animals and all, but I'm running this thing over -" and before I could finish my sentence, Katie said, "Kill it, Mommy! KILL IT!! It's EVIL!" So I hopped in the car and ran it over. And it made a huge popping & crunching noise. Do you understand what I'm saying? That Evil Death-Bug was so big, and armor-plated that it crunched when I killed it! Crunched like the way a walnut would crunch if you ran it over with your car. CRUNCHED!!!

But at least it was dead. We ran inside and locked the door (just in case it wasn't really dead and decided to come after us), and when Harry came home, I made him go out and check to make sure Evil Death-Bug was really dead and hadn't just jumped up and walked off. He assured me it was dead. Eventually I forgot about our near death experience and went on with my life.

Until yesterday. I was having a perfectly pleasant, bug-free day. I went out to get the mail, and when I reached the door to the house, THIS is what I saw on our door jamb.

Staring at me. Plotting my doom. I know what it was thinking. You killed my brother. Now I've come for you. And your little girl, too.

Thankfully all my years of martial arts training kicked in and I immediately started screaming. Harry opened the door to find out why I was freaking out just before Death Bug jumped on my face and tried to inject me with its death poison. In a heroic burst of strength, and with no regard for his own safety, Harry seized Death Bug and removed it for me.

Thus saving my life. Again. He often saves me from spiders, ants, and in one case, a steroid-injected fly. But this time, he saved my life from that horrible Death Bug that was clearly out for revenge. Although I doubt this is the last we'll see of those bugs. I think we may have to move. They have a witness protection program for this kind of thing, right?



*Google "Wheel bug" and tell me that's not a Death Bug. The other name for it? Assasin Bug. ASSASIN! And it "injects salivary fluids that dissolve soft tissue..." in other words - DEATH BUG!!

Murderer!

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, in order to save time, money & my sanity from a relatively hefty commute to work, I will stay at my in-laws' (heretofore known as "the 'rents") house a couple nights a week - they're in the process of selling it and it helps them if I'm there and it helps keep me from having to mortgage off my home in order to pay for gas for my car.

So, one evening after work, I pull into the driveway and notice that the garage door was open, exposing the interior door into the home. While I felt the panic starting to rise (I knew I didn't leave the door open), I willed myself to calm down because it was quite possible that the garage door sensor went a bit wonky and never really closed the last time I left. And I always lock the interior garage door to the house, so no biggie.

But the interior door to the house was not locked. Let me repeat - the door into the home was unlocked!! I took a deep breath and did the only reasonble thing to do: call my father-in-law in a panic and screech into the phone that the garage door was open and the interior door was unlocked! UNLOCKED!! Someone could be in the house as we speak! He tried to reassure me (in a tone that sounded suspiciously similar to one used when speaking to a person that may have difficulty grasping simple concepts) that they had been at the house the day before and that my mother-in-law had probably just forgot to close the garage. Apparently he felt this was enough of an explanation to relieve my panicked mind.

Of course, it wasn't. So I made him stay on the phone with me while I literally checked every door, cabinet, and hiding space in the house (including the kitchen cabinets. You know, the ones above the counters that would take a midget contortionist acrobat to get into? Yeah, those too) because I was pretty sure there was a murderer lurking about waiting to ambush me.

Obviously all was clear. I calmed down and everything was fine. Until I made the mistake of telling Harry about my little adventure. The next day he sent me this:

Where is the Murderer?

Good thing he takes me seriously.